Meriden 2021

Christmas Day 2021

Mel and I wake up later than usual on Christmas Day after a great nights sleep. We always sleep better when we are away as we can let go of the stresses and strains of everyday life.

Amazingly, Father Christmas managed to find us and quietly left us stockings which were full of goodies such as the traditional pair of stocks and lots of chocolates including an enormous Ferrero Rocher which will be consumed later.

After ensuring none of the wrapping paper was worth keeping (by me opening pressies very violently), Whatsapp starts dinging madly. Mel’s kids text us via the ‘la familie’ group, my kids text via the ‘I hate my life’ group (thanks Rory) and I text in the work Whatsapp group. Both our phones are bursting into noise and this is made complicated as Mel and I are in the same family groups and therefore, each message bings on each phone. Then Mel calls Louise, Sam facetimes Mel, and Chris calls Mel (at the same time as she is speaking to Sam). Then Mel calls her mum.

In the meantime, it is time for me to head for a shower contemplating if either of my children love me enough to pick up the phone. The showers are good which is nice and by the time I am back, Mel has rebuilt Ethel by putting the bed away and hiding some bubble wrap from me.

Mel heads for a shower and when she returns, and as it is a bit nippy, it is time to face the traumatic experience of working out how the heating works. This may sound a very simple proceduce but as ever, as Mel and I are involved, nothing is simple. One would think that you flick a switch and fiddle with a thermostat but that would be a tad optimistic.

You need to remember that this is our first winter in Ethel and we havent needed heating until now – so please be kind. Firstly, we flick a switch. We are not entirely sure what the switch is for, but Mel has a distant memory that it relates to the hot water. Then I find a controller on the wall behind the TV (the TV which isnt working due to a lack of satellite signal) and start fiddling with it. This isnt that easy as Mel has put our little christmas tree in front of the TV and the bulbs are burning out my retinas as they are so bright. In the end, I have to pull the plug on the tree. Now I cant see a thing.

There are two little pictures on the controls – one that looks vaguely like a radiator and the other a fan. We dont have radiators and in our last van (Mavis), the heating was fan heated, so I set to fan. Blowers pleasingly start and we wait for heat. Alas it isn’t the warmth we so desire – it is freezing. Mel sensibly suggests we may need to wait for the system to warm up so I use the time to squeeze into our tiny loo for a wee. Not my best idea as a fan was blowing in there too and it was a bit nippy around my nether regions!

Second attempt (and the successful one I am pleased to say), I head back to the controller and fiddle once again. This time, we establish the fan button may be for air conditioning (very posh I hear you say!) and the radiator one is the heating. And before you suggest this is obvious, the light when on is red. Mel and I assumed red is the wrong colour as surely on equals green.

Any, we finally have heating. But only for 10 minutes as I turn into scrooge (appropriate for Christmas Day). As it runs off gas and I am not sure if the second cannister is full as I havent checked.

My phone rings and I reaslise one of my sons loves me after all as it is Callum calling from Brussels where he is visiting Claire’s family for the holiday period. After the normal Christmas chit chat about presents and food, I ask him what he is doing for New Year. He excitedly informs me that he and Claire are hiking and camping in a tent. I am sure he expects me to feel his joy at the idea, but I think he is mad.

Lunchtime is fast approaching and it is time to head for the pub for our prebooked Christmas meal at The Bulls Head in Meriden. The pub is a mile a way and off we trek. God it is bloody freezing! Even just 10 minutes of heating in Ethel has turned us into softies and we wish we had hats and scarves on.

25 minutes later we have arrived and after wasting a couple of minutes unsuccessfully trying to find the front door, we are in and quickly shown to our table. We are seated on a lovely little table next to an open fire which is great for exactly 10 minutes, after which we turn into lobsters.

I wont go into details about the fabulous food as there are far more interesting things to mention. Firstly, we (as tradition dictates) pull the crackers and fish out the hats. Yes they are ‘one size fits all’, but that doesn’t mean that is fits on the top of every head and before long, Mel was wearing hers as ruff around her neck. I quickly took mine off before the same thing happened to me.

The next table to us was a big group but unfortunately, it included a small child. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of small children. In my opinion (and my son Rory feels the same), unless they are big enough to make a cup of tea, then they have no purpose!). This boy (who I thought was a girl for most of the time) was not very big

The child started to run all over the place and even a death stare from me did not halt his route. Mel said I was speaking too loud when I asked the room if it was wrong to kill. Bah humbug me was looking forward to a quiet and romantic meal with Mel, but not in a childs playground.

To be fair, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been and the only two dramas from that table was when the kid tried to touch the fire and when his dad dropped a tray of drinks on the floor, smashing glasses and spilling wine over one of his family. Interesting entertainment for me.

Mel decided she needed a wee and started looking for her mask. Mel is not very good at remembering where she puts anything and spends a lot of time hunting for something she has mislaid. This includes keys, her vape and on this occasion her mask. She checks her bag – not there, she checks her pockets – not there, she checks her coat pockets – not there. I check the floor – not there. But she was wearing it when she came in, so it must be close by and so the whole searching process begins again.

I swear this next bit is completely true. It did happen and you couldn’t make it up. Mel starts checking her jeans pockets again and looks triumphant as she pulls something made of cloth from her back pocket. But as it comes into view both her face and mine change to shock, horror, and in her case, total embarrassment. It is not a mask in her hand, it is a pair of knickers. Yes – knickers!! In the middle of a pub during Christmas dinner!.

Before you lot start thinking we are away being extras in a low quality porn film (after all, we are staying on an adult only site), there is a logical explanation for this faux pas. After having a shower, Mel had a wet towel and didn’t want to roll her pants up in it to avoid getting them wet. So, instead of waving her knickers for all to see when walking back to Ethel, she stuffed them in her back pocket and simply forgot to remove them before leaving due to phone calls etc. Personally, I think showing your knickers to a few fellow campers is preferable to waving them like a flag in a pub during a festive dinner!

We both had a fit of giggles and decided we were too full to eat our final course of a cheese board and asked for a doggy bag which we will enjoy later. We headed back to Ethel, walking very slowly as we had both put on at least half a stone. Once back, I successfully (and proudly) put the heating on and Mel fell asleep – probably dreaming about knickers and turkey!