In a previous post, I mentioned Butt Plug and also promised to tell you about him (we assume he’s male but can’t claim to be correct).
In our previous motorhome Mavis, we had a satellite system which enabled us to watch television anywhere. This may seem ridiculous as we should enjoy the great outdoors and not watch TV but if it has been pouring with rain all day and you have run out of words to spell in scrabble and have argued over the rules of rummy, you need the distraction of some drama to watch. That’s our excuse anyway. When we bought Ethel, she didn’t have satellite TV and this proved very problematic and we need to find another method to get a signal.
First attempt. Buy a smart TV and use a ‘MiFi’ contraption thing-a-me-bob to watch TV. Big failure as you need a 4g signal for it to work but we didn’t have a signal where we were and, as it is a pay as you go thing, you need to top it up. But, as I already said, I DIDN’T HAVE A SIGNAL. Stress levels are rising, and Mel is trying to help by suggesting this and that and offering me random wires. She is a bit of a technophobe and I try to be gentle when I ask her how she thinks a scart lead will help. In my head, I am asking why do we have a f*****g scart lead with us? Who even uses scart leads anymore? I may be in my 50’s but even I know we don’t need a scart lead. In the end we manage to find a teeny weeny bit of 3g signal which allows us approximately three channels, all of which are the most irrelevant channels possible. I remain depressed whilst Mel (the eternal optimist) pretends she is very happy I have found something so interesting to watch.
Second attempt. We decide Ethel should have a satellite system installed. What an easy solution (except the cost) and we hit google to organise installation. However, we are again thwarted by the dreaded pandemic. As restrictions have begun to lift, people are planning their expeditions like us and want to watch television when they are out and about. They are quicker than us at booking someone to fit their technology and every firm we called was booked up for months. However, due to dogged determination, we find a firm to fit our new shiny system, but it wouldn’t be until the end of July and we were going away before then.
Third attempt. No problem we thought as we could buy a cheap aerial for the next trip and would just have to manage. I immediately looked on Amazon and started to search for a suitable aerial. There seemed little point in spending a lot of money and we certainly didn’t want anything too big as it would take up yet more space in Ethel. I found a suitable portable one for £20 which claimed to be specifically for motorhomes and caravans and pressed buy it now. I was particularly smug that I had Prime membership as it meant I would get it tomorrow. I am well aware this is a stupid smugness as we weren’t going away immediately but I like the instant gratification Amazon gives me.
The parcel arrives in a great big box which I immediately destroy before Mel sees it and squirrels it away as ‘we may need it later’. I am also relieved to see that there isn’t any bubble wrap or I would have to fight her for it. I have been known to pop every bubble so Mel can’t keep any more (we have rather a lot at home). I prefer the packaging with big bubbles as it is a lot less labour intensive for me.
Anyway, back to the parcel. I open the tiny box (remember the big box it arrived in?) and I am not sure if I was pleased or a bit embarrassed and immediately hoped the delivery man didn’t know what it was. There was no way it was an aerial as it was definitely a sex toy. How are we ever going to display that in full view. To make it worse, it had a bit to screw on to increase its length and effectiveness.
Mel and I laughed and weren’t sure if we were going to be brave enough to use it in public but needs must and if we wanted to watch something other than some American drivel, we were going to have to demonstrate our love for Butt Plug to the world.
The big day arrived when we were in Wales and we couldn’t get a signal using any other method so Butt Plug made his big entrance to the world. We used his magical magnetic personality to fix him to the cab and switched on the TV. Miracles of all miracles, he did his job and we could now watch any terrestrial programme we wanted. All of our doubts about his performance were gone and we were very happy!
However, we then moved to another site and his skills drooped as he needed to be higher to pick up a stronger signal. The problem with a motorhome, is that other than the cab, they are made of fibreglass and therefore not magnetic. Butt Plug simply couldn’t stick. I was not a happy bunny, but Mel came up with the goods. She dug out a metal pole from the garage (big storage space accessed from the outside of the van) and found her duct tape (why do we have duct tape in the van?) and proceeded to tape Butt Plug to the pole and then fix the pole to the bike rack. He was riding high above Ethel and all the other vans. He was loud and proud! And to make it even better, he produced the goods and left us all very satisfied!
*Note. Even though we have now got our posh satellite system installed, Butt Plug will always be with us on our travels just in case as he is considered to be totally essential.
2LadiesTravelling 